Ohmigod, today is such a failure, and it’s only 10:30am. I forgot EVERYTHING today. I took pictures of my latest project, and was all set to blog about it, but I forgot the cord to my camera. I forgot my book for the commute. I forgot my knitting – also for the commute. I forgot the binder of bridal stuff I’m working on. And I forgot my external hard drive, which is also full of the bridal stuff I’m working on. I hate today. And to tell you the truth, I’ve kind of been hating portions of everyday lately.
I’m depressed. Keith says I have wedding postpartum and I think he’s right. How stupid is that?? I hate myself for having that – that is SO dumb and frankly, pretty insane. I thought having this new collection to work on would be enough to satisfy the project-whore in me, but sitting around thinking about what other women will wear at their weddings makes me miss my own. And I have this really strange feeling of failure whenever I think about our wedding, which is also completely nuts, because that was one helluva party, and I literally could not have done anything more for that wedding. I worked my ass off. And while it was happening I felt like it was the most amazing wedding EVER. It was definitely the perfect wedding for us. But I have this nagging feeling that won’t go away that I could have done better. Being a perfectionist sucks sometimes.
And on top of my lunatic wedding thoughts, we’ve had a really rough summer. There was a death in the family and Keith and I were separated for most of the summer. It was really, really sad and is still really, really sad and stressful and my body does not deal with stress very well. I had freaked myself out so much that my stomach became so huge I could no longer fit into any of my clothes, but when I went to the doctor I learned that I had only gained 2 pounds. My sweet doctor just looked at me and said “Is anything bothering you lately?” I just started to cry. So yeah, I’m driving myself completely insane. And it’s silly to add our wedding to a list of sad things, because it was wonderful. I mean, how can I be upset about this?
Right? It’s terrible to feel bad about such an amazing day. And it really was nothing short of amazing – right down to when my entire family jumped into the pool in their wedding clothes. No joke. It was a CELEBRATION. I don’t usually get very personal on the blog, but I did want to address this, because it could be happening to other newlyweds too and it really is very sad. It’s helped me a lot writing this post actually – sort of made me acknowledge how ridiculous I’m being. I mean, at the end of the day, I am not effing Martha Stewart and we don’t have a million dollars. We put a kick-ass wedding together with a relatively small budget (it’s all relative in the wedding world) and gave our guests something they don’t usually see and that I hope they really enjoyed. I know I had never before felt so much love all at once in my entire life and it was very, very special. So I need to get over my feelings of inadequacy and maybe stop looking at bridal blogs for a little while. Our wedding was wonderful, it is over, and now it’s time to throw myself into other projects and just enjoy being married to a truly amazing man.
[Images by Innerlight Photography]