September 13, 2010...4:08 pm

I Admit it, I’m Depressed

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Ohmigod, today is such a failure, and it’s only 10:30am.  I forgot EVERYTHING today.  I took pictures of my latest project, and was all set to blog about it, but I forgot the cord to my camera.  I forgot my book for the commute.  I forgot my knitting – also for the commute.  I forgot the binder of bridal stuff I’m working on.  And I forgot my external hard drive, which is also full of the bridal stuff I’m working on.  I hate today.  And to tell you the truth, I’ve kind of been hating portions of everyday lately.

I’m depressed.  Keith says I have wedding postpartum and I think he’s right.  How stupid is that??  I hate myself for having that – that is SO dumb and frankly, pretty insane.  I thought having this new collection to work on would be enough to satisfy the project-whore in me, but sitting around thinking about what other women will wear at their weddings makes me miss my own.  And I have this really strange feeling of failure whenever I think about our wedding, which is also completely nuts, because that was one helluva party, and I literally could not have done anything more for that wedding.  I worked my ass off.  And while it was happening I felt like it was the most amazing wedding EVER.  It was definitely the perfect wedding for us.  But I have this nagging feeling that won’t go away that I could have done better.  Being a perfectionist sucks sometimes.

And on top of my lunatic wedding thoughts, we’ve had a really rough summer.  There was a death in the family and Keith and I were separated for most of the summer.  It was really, really sad and is still really, really sad and stressful and my body does not deal with stress very well.  I had freaked myself out so much that my stomach became so huge I could no longer fit into any of my clothes, but when I went to the doctor I learned that I had only gained 2 pounds.  My sweet doctor just looked at me and said “Is anything bothering you lately?”  I just started to cry.  So yeah, I’m driving myself completely insane.  And it’s silly to add our wedding to a list of sad things, because it was wonderful.  I mean, how can I be upset about this?

1930s style backyard wedding grecian bridesmaids

backyard wedding cutaway tuxedo lily altar

backyard wedding town crier bell babys breath bouquet

backyard wedding wallpaper table runner bamboo flatware

father of the bride father daughter dance wedding

Right?  It’s terrible to feel bad about such an amazing day.  And it really was nothing short of amazing – right down to when my entire family jumped into the pool in their wedding clothes.  No joke.  It was a CELEBRATION.  I don’t usually get very personal on the blog, but I did want to address this, because it could be happening to other newlyweds too and it really is very sad.  It’s helped me a lot writing this post actually – sort of made me acknowledge how ridiculous I’m being.  I mean, at the end of the day, I am not effing Martha Stewart and we don’t have a million dollars.  We put a kick-ass wedding together with a relatively small budget (it’s all relative in the wedding world)  and gave our guests something they don’t usually see and that I hope they really enjoyed.  I know I had never before felt so much love all at once in my entire life and it was very, very special.  So I need to get over my feelings of inadequacy and maybe stop looking at bridal blogs for a little while.  Our wedding was wonderful, it is over, and now it’s time to throw myself into other projects and just enjoy being married to a truly amazing man.

[Images by Innerlight Photography]

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  • hello…
    well i feel better you said this because you did so much more than me and i feel the same way!!
    plus it’s been four months!
    i keep wishing we picked october instead of may so i’d be working on it right now and looking forward to it coming right up!
    and that i could do it all better this time, fix it up and relive it at the same time, wierd huh?
    i do think the wedding blogs don’t help that part of the feeling.
    hey i should post some pictures!

  • Hugs! Give yourself a break, i am endlessley amazed at your beautiful work, you are hugely inspiring and your wedding looked incredible. Maybe you will just have to renew your wedding vows every year… ha!


  • I completely understand the disapointment. Our wedding was great and everyone couldn’t believe the decorations but at the end of the day I knew if had been in a pretty hall or if I had just gotten the menu’s done it would have been better even though thats probably not true. I just had to let that stuff go. It’s hard after an entire year of planning and making things to just not be doing it anymore. I still look at wedding blogs and think why didn’t I think of that? Then I wonder why am I doing this myself? You are lucky to have the other projects to work on. That is my mission now, to find something to fill the void. We also had a death in the family and I think you have so many emotions with the wedding and the death that its very hard to put them all in their right place so happy one minute, so sad the next. It’s a lot to deal with.. Hang in there. It will get better!

  • Hello !

    I am a French reader who “fell in love” and began to know you thanks to your beautiful Easter lilly altar decoration ! I was so happy to see the beautiful pictures of your wedding on the Blog “Ruffled”… It was one of the most beautiful I have ever seen , pomised. You look sweet, romantic and so beautiful in your “own-handmade” wedding dress !
    When I read your article, I felt I could have written it myself… It is exactly what I have been experiencing since I got married. I should be so happy, I am married to the most terrific man on Earth, our wedding was amazing, our guests were so enthusiastic… but still, I kept thinking it could have been better, that I could have looked more beautiful, that maybe I didn’t choose “the” best dress etc… I feel soooo stupid all the more so as when I think of it rationnally I must admit that I couldn’t have done any better…

    This very strange feeling has been overwhelming me this very morning but now that I read (by chance ? !) your article on your blog I really feel a lot better… Even ladies who had such a wonderful wedding, as yours for instance, can feel this way so… As we say in French : Haut les coeurs !

  • Girl, your stuff is beautiful, so was your wedding, and life can be hard sometimes! From all the craziness going on, it would be weird if you WEREN’T depressed!

    So own it, get through it, and know that in a few months your heart will be in a totally different place. The human soul is strong, so just let it work it out for you.

    ps your wedding dress is SOOOO PRETTY, I look at it like once a week just to be like, wow that is so pretty.

  • I found your blog a couple nights ago and fell in love with it! I am also a newlywed, my husband Jon and I wed in June. It’s been a couple weeks, so hopefully you are feeling better, I can so completely identify with what you are going through.

    We had a very small farm wedding in Rockford, Ill and created almost everything by hand. I’m a graphic designer, so anything printed, was designed by me. Our immediate family and closest friends spent two days at the farm in 90 degree heat without air conditioning helping us get everything set up. After literally spending the morning of watching for tornadoes, the weather cooled off and the skies cleared for the evening and the wedding was so beautiful. I have never in my life felt so loved and blessed to have these people in my life. I still tear up just thinking about it!

    But like you, I was SO overwhelmed with projects before, that I have to keep going now! I have so many little projects going because I get depressed if I don’t have enough to do. I suppose this is normal for a lot of new brides, but probably more so for us creative people.

    Your wedding was amazingly gorgeous! Instead of being sad that it’s over, you should use your knowledge to help bride-to-be’s. Keep your little projects going, and I’m sure in time, these bouts of depression will fade away (for both of us!).


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